Miscarriage – He Knew You.

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

Screw that.

——

Finding out you just lost a baby, even one you weren’t aware of yet, is never something God thinks you can handle. Like it’s some sort of game He’s playing… waiting to see how strong He can make you become via the various life circumstances He can throw at you. *Ding* “alright Gabriel, she’s leveled up, send the next trial their way!”

Miscarriage is not some sort of test, some sort of obstacle to overcome during the marathon that is life. It is not another stone to add to the scales, the precarious balancing of good and bad in life.

Ain’t no way.

My God doesn’t work like that.

8-10 weeks along is what the doctor guesses.

We would have had 2 babies within a year, a newborn and an 11 month old.

We would have rejoiced over this life, if we would have known before.

We would have joyfully rolled our eyes and said “of course this would happen to us!”

We would have embraced the chaos it would have created. (4 kids, 4 and under) haha!

We would give anything to hold that baby in our arms.

I’m finding myself praying these fragment-like prayers – prayers that are only a few words at any given moment, as I can find the strength to breathe them into being.

In – but WHY God?

Hold – this will surely suffocate me

Out – Hold me please

In – It was my fault

Hold – Wasn’t it?

Out – You are good

In – How can you allow this?

Hold – Sorry, I know that isn’t fair.

Out – But right now I don’t FEEL like You are for me… but it’s okay, I KNOW it.

And He hears. And He’s patient. And He listens.

You see, I’ve said this a million times to other people… and now I’m working on saying it to myself.

“If you’re angry at God, tell him. It’s okay to yell, just make sure you’re yelling to Him… it’s when you stop bringing that anger to Him that the conversation stops.”

And so I’m doing my best. I know He’s the only one who can untangle the spaghetti of confusion within me.

So I’ve been reading a lot of scripture. And I just felt like I needed to share it, incase it might help someone else. Psalm 88 is one of the best Psalms, because it is so real. I love it. The psalmist is in true turmoil and shows us just how REAL God wants our prayers to be. I thrive on this kind of transparency with God.

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

I’ll never forget when I was younger, my father taught me a crucial lesson on prayer… that prayer isn’t always words, spoken audibly or not – oftentimes it is simply silence. Like holding someone as they cry or letting your spouse lay their head on your chest – it’s a silent conversation. A space to be together. It is opening up your heart to God and letting Him look around. And so that’s all I can seem to do these days.. to arrive at His throne in complete silence (other than my tears), letting Him search my heart and find my heartache, my anger, my guilt and my shame.

And if I’m honest, I’m not feeling any better yet and I know it will take time (and I’m okay with that). I’m still so angry and playing the “but what if” game… I’m still so full of guilt and shame. My heart is still so broken.

But I know that in the silence, He is mending me.

He is listening and hearing me.

He is wrapping His arms around me.

He is whispering healing over me.

He is speaking His truths into me.

To these truths I’m clinging:

We know God’s heart is for us.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

We know He values every single heartbeat He creates.

This one is especially powerful for me. I feel motherhood and the life of a child (unborn or not) so deeply and powerfully. This baby is just as real and precious to me as the three boys I have given birth to. We feel it so deeply and yet, Christ loves and treasures this life even more than I do. More than we both do, collectively. And so to that truth I cling… this baby did not pass from this life unknown. He or she was known intimately by our Creator.

For it was You who formed my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well. Psalm 139: 13-14

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

We know He knows and sees our pain and supports us in our grief.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Hebrews 4:15

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

We know He sees the whole picture, one we cannot see.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

And we trust His sovereignty. His perfect plan. His open arms.

My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:15-16

I know that there are so many women and men out there who’ve been through miscarriage and loss. I am so sorry. As with everything else in life, I’ve learned that there’s power that comes from sharing our story. Maybe for you it isn’t on a public platform, but with close friends instead… and it’s healing.

I know miscarriage has been a taboo topic to speak about publicly for years, but I’m ready for that to change. I’m ready for the heartbreak to be talked about, the burden to be shared and the weight to be lifted by community.

To all you women and men who’ve reached out to me and Eric, telling us your stories, thank you. Just to know we aren’t alone is healing in it’s own way. You’re advice on how you cope (even still, years later) and what things you did to honor your baby, means the world to us.

And to our little one, we love you, forever and always.

-Bethany