I Have Never Like This

So little has changed since October. And yet, everything has.

A floppy eared, full-lipped, chunky legged baby boy was brought into this world on October 6th, 2014. After a lot of hard work and pain and literal blood, sweat and tears – he was here. He is here.

Oh my word he is here.

In the moments right before what I knew would be the last push, I didn’t have time for any other thoughts than:

1. Holy cow he’s almost here – I’m going to see his face any second.

2. If he doesn’t come out now I’m gonna ground him for his whole life.

But now that he’s here and almost 6 months old (WHAT?!), we are no longer the little family staying in all the time and we are actually getting a lot of sleep! (PTL). I remember back when I first had Edison – I was completely baffled at how you were supposed to GO OUT with one of these little guys.. never knowing when they’d cry or if they’d make people mad by making too much noise. Haha.. it’s funny looking back now. Especially since Eric and I both work from home and keep Edison there, we try to get out of the house as often as we can, from church to visiting family and the like. And working from home while also being a stay-at-home mom, makes this little 1,000 square foot house seem pretty small. (but I wouldn’t have it any other way).

Now that we aren’t living the hermit lifestyle, we have had loads of questions that I’m sure every new parent gets “How are you sleeping? How are you feeling? How is he sleeping? Is he colicky? Is he a fussy baby? How’s breastfeeding going? How are you adjusting?”

And I can answer all of those questions – But when it comes to that last one, I never know what to say. It’s too much for me to contain in a short, succinct answer. I normally ramble and blab about not sleeping as much, not reading as much as I used to and understanding the true value of a white noise app. But, I don’t seem to ever have the time to explain all I want to say. I can’t put into words is how completely and wholly this parenthood thing is rocking my world.

Because,

I’ve never communicated with someone without speaking like this.

I’ve never looked at my husband with this lens before.

I’ve never given of myself like this.

I’ve never forgiven someone this easily.

I’ve never pushed my body to the limits like this.

I have never thought another human’s bodily functions are worthy of celebrating – yay, you finally pooped!

I’ve never had my heart wrenched by the simple innocence of a newborn.

I’ve never loved without expecting anything in return like this.

I’ve never simply accepted and understood the unfailing love of Christ for His children in such a way.

I have never made such ridiculous noises, faces and dance moves for someone else’s entertainment – and not cared.

I’ve never felt so weak and strong at the same time.

I’ve never been so in tune to the daily rhythms of grace that the Lord provides.

I’ve never cherished hearing the sound of someone breathing like this.

I’ve never been beside myself with the weight of responsibility like this.

I’ve never prayed so consistently for future salvation for a person.

I most assuredly have never caught another person’s diarrhea in my bare hands and not flinched – can I get an amen?

I’d never truly had my heart broken for the orphan – even though I thought I had.

I’d never wrestled with the ache in my soul for the woman who can’t bear children – even though I thought I had.

I had never begun to grasp the impossible job of being a single mother – even though I thought I had.

And I’ve for sure, never-ever-ever known the true value of a good nap, before now.

Very little has changed since October. And yet, everything has.

And it’s just been amazing.

And hard.

And beautiful.

And messily, wonderfully, grasping-at-straws, lost in the presence of Christ daily, priceless.

Fully in over my head, trusting in God’s plan for our lives.

So fair warning, next time you ask the question of “how are we adjusting” I’m just going to go ahead and point you to this post. That’ll probably make it easier for all of us. Thanks for asking. 🙂

-Bethany