The Teacher and the Taught
**Disclaimer: I am indeed doing alright. I am not depressed, dealing with a serious illness or with problems in my marriage. However, I am listening to the sound advice of a good friend and allowing myself to blog about the good, the bad and the ugly. Our lifestyle isn’t always easy and I don’t want to portray it as such, picking and choosing to blog about only the positive things. (Who doesn’t want to read about Orphans singing?) So today is another serious blog on struggling. If you are struggling in your life, I pray you can resonate with it.. if you are happy without a stress in the world, this post’s probably not for you. 🙂 😉
Have you ever re-read an old journal entry or looked back on your life and thought
“If only I knew then what I know now!” ??
Well, I’m having a similar situation with myself. Except, backwards.
I was looking for guidance and felt the urge to read my old blogs. I began reading and happened upon some words that stung deep into my core.
When faced with large decisions, I typically think, talk and pray until my mind is exhausted, Eric is either bored or confused and the Lord just wishes I’d give it up already.
As I re-read the words of posts some time ago, I felt as if I was being taught a brand new lesson. It’s amazing to me how quickly I can go from “Your will Lord at any cost!” to “Ugh, really? More change? Again?”
The human condition is so messy. I understand we are all sinners, but boy does it feel like my sins are just painfully glaring at times. I can believe and speak truth and courage in a situation with my whole heart, then I flip within an hour and am curled up in bed terrified of the future and change. I say, “Give up my desires of a typical life? Alright! No problem!” Then run quickly in the opposite direction, thinking “But why?! It would be so much easier if my life was typical, normal!”
How flippant I am with my one solitary life. The God of this Universe chooses to allow me to breathe and live, to forgive me of my sinful state and nature, send His Son to give me a way to spend eternity with Him and what do I do? Yell at Him for doing exactly what I beg of Him? (To show me His will and send me to do His work.) How ashamed I am of myself sometimes.
So I allow my 1 month ago confident-and-strong-change-seeking-self to speak into my life at this moment where I feel weak and worried. I will be taught by my courage then. By my belief then. I may be filled with doubt at this moment, but I will cling tightly to the truth I know. That I’m not in this alone.
There is a song by an old band I love called Nickel Creek that just seems to fit, no matter what I’m dealing with.. It is from the point of view of a doubting Thomas. The lyrics ring out with truth. I always find myself connecting with these words in different ways, at different moments in my life.
Listen to the song or read the lyrics:
Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared ’cause I’m a coward.
If there’s a master of death I’ll bet he’s holding his breath,
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power.
I’m a doubting Thomas
I can’t keep my promises
‘Cause I don’t know what’s safe,
oh me of little faith.
Can I be used to help others find truth?
When I’m scared I’ll find proof that its a lie.
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs,
That prove I’m not ready to die?
Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I’ve wasted.
I’m a doubting Thomas,
I’ll take your promise
Though I know nothin’s safe.
Oh me of little faith.
It’s funny how life works huh? One minute I beg the Lord to break my heart to be like His and then when He does, I’m pleading with Him to make it stop.
So today I will focus on the truths that I know. I will not hide my doubts and my unbelief. I will shout them to my Lord! I will bring them to the forefront of my morning prayers. I will be thankful that the Creator of the universe, loves me so much that He will accept me in my times of doubt. He will teach me the error of my ways. I will listen to Him and His voice.
I pray that today, you too will be real with Christ. We aren’t fooling Him, He knows our every thought. Be courageous enough to open yourself up wide and let Him in. Show Him the ugly parts, the parts that are filled with doubt and anger. The forgotten corners of bitterness and pity, the darkest rooms of fear and sin. He can help you clean them up, make them glisten anew with life and light. He’s good at the heavy lifting, He’ll help you if you let Him.
-Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I’ve wasted.