I am Flawed, but He is Enough.
Can we be fully transparent today?
Do you ever have those days where it feels like you’re doing everything wrong? That somehow you’ve managed to seemingly ruin everything you touch? Well, that’s how I feel today.
From shrinking a load of brand-new dresses in the wash, to breaking a dish in the sink, burning Eric’s bacon at lunch and missing an important email that created more work for a co-worker, it’s all adding up.
In reality, what I see as huge mistakes is normally just a small blip on the radar of my life. Eric doesn’t care about that bacon, the dish can be replaced and my co-worker probably didn’t even flinch at what I thought was a colossal mistake.
So much of the time I find myself circling the drain of my emotional capacity, overloaded and spread too thin. A friend needs me in this situation, a participant needs counselling on an issue, my family and work loads are calling. And I think to myself, I am not the person for the job of me. And if I’m failing at being me, who am I?
Surely the lady down the road who has a Masters in Psychology is the right person. Maybe the mom with four children has more life experience than I. Surely the model friend on Facebook is the one to give advice on weight loss, have you seen her Pinterest boards?
I know these thoughts are not of Christ. I know they are wrong. I am a daughter of the Lord, He can handle everything and I should just give it to Him to take from my shoulders. He has made me to be me and He is guiding my path.
But, although I am a Christian woman, I’m also a flawed woman. And on days like today, in those quiet moments when it is just me left with my crazy thoughts, I fully realize the depth of my depravity, my deepest need for a Saviour.
I am the woman who struggles with eating emotionally.
I am the woman who questions her purpose upon the earth.
I am the woman who envies.
I am the woman who pushes unrealistic expectations on the ones I love.
I am the woman who looks at my phone too much at the dinner table.
I am the woman who skips my Bible reading and picks up a fiction novel instead.
I am the woman who worries.
I am the woman who fears I’ll never have children.
I am the woman who balks when faced with tough decisions.
I am the woman who fears the unknown.
I am flawed.
But on days like today, I cling tightly to the one thing that is certain: My Father has all power and strength and love for me in this moment. He knows I don’t desire to be this woman, flawed and full of worry. He sees me when I’m bound in my weakness, curling in on myself when things get tough. He is the one who I can hear, whispering who I am to me. His voice is the one that brings me out of my self-destructing cycles. I hear Him say:
You are human.
You are connectedness.
You are courage.
You are laughter.
You are relationships.
You are love.
You are beauty.
You are friendship.
You are an avenue for truth.
You are light.
You are imperfect and that’s okay.
You are tired but I am your rest.
You are full of hope.
You are made for more than this.
You are searching and I am your treasure.
I am your future.
I am your faith.
I am your purpose.
You are mine.
And it’s in those moments of overwhelming presence, breathless with the weight of a God who sees me in my weakest moments and doubt and loves me the same, that I know more and more who I am. It’s in those moments I can rejoice privately with my Saviour that I know Him and He knows me.
I am a screwup. I am ordinary. I am flawed. But I am His. And that is enough.
I want you to know, He is enough.